Autumn Darkness

This autumn darkness has my mind turning inward, as usual this time of year. I am coming out of my baby-year, sleep-deprived, foggy, with what seems to be a chronic eye-twitch, and not-so-sharp in the head. But I feel like I'm moving forward, just a bit, and feeling the urge to focus on myself a little more. Mothering the first year of a child's life is such a lesson in self-sacrifice - of sleep, time, and energy (did I mention sleep?) But now, I'm feeling the urge to craft, to have more time with Gary, to start a women's circle, to read, to think, to do yoga, and to SLEEP. Don't get me wrong, very little of this has actually happened, but the intentions are growing in the darkness, rumbling around my head during night feedings. I feel like I'm starting to come back to myself, and it feels good. Of course, along with any positive things that have been on hold for a year, all those dark, heavy pieces are still waiting for me as well, just where I left them.

And there are new struggles. Lately, I've been struggling to find balance with two wee ones. I find myself simultaneously grieving the fact that Skye will be in kindergarten this time next year, while longing for having just one child to chase around at a time. I am starting to long for evenings or even weekends all to myself, to just craft or read or hike. All this will come (or be worked out) in time, I know. For now, I'll just chalk them up to growing pains of parenthood. Here's to growth in the darkness.